Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
