Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
