You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
