Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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