hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's not a walk of shame if you run
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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