We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i now understand why vodka
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
