I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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