Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
