I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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