I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
