Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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