Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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