I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
