so explain again why im purple
no
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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