awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
