You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize