How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
