ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
