I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
