4 words: hood of his car
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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