I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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