It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
