Barsexuality is the new black.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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