Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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