Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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