Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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