it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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