I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
