I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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