Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
