You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize