just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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