ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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