Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
