i think my tv is drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
