i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We just shotgunned beers for America
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
