i already hear my dad disowning me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
