i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
