i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
