and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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