If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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