that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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