I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
