How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
