I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
