ADVERTISEMENT

• (810): View more from Michigan

  omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

  Fav 17 3410 1024

  share tweet
  

• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?

  Fav 7 884 4126

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (316): View more from Kansas

  i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

  Fav 25 5797 1939

  share tweet
  

• (802): View more from Vermont

  my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

  Fav 14 6070 1510

  share tweet
  

• (480): View more from Arizona

  Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

  Fav 2 2963 1262

  share tweet
  

• (708): View more from Illinois

  He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

  Fav 15 5332 1389

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (225): View more from Louisiana

  My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.

  Fav 11 2985 1174

  share tweet
  

• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room

  Fav 5 1107 646

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.

  Fav 1 564 1002

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

  (1-714): View more from California

  Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

  Fav 4 1608 758

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances

  Fav 2 825 659

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (404): View more from Georgia

  That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you

  Fav 0 477 386

  share tweet
  

• (315): View more from New York

  Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots

  Fav 0 536 312

  share tweet
  

• (252): View more from North Carolina

  Either he pets my cat or this deal is null

  Fav 1 269 169

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (856): View more from New Jersey

  THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE

  Fav 3 65 18

  share tweet
  

Randomize