i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
time to smoke my breakfast
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have fence marks all over my body
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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