As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
