I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
