You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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