we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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