Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Randomize
