it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
