Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
