call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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